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If I can be totally vague for a moment...

For three years of youth Iapos;ve been standing on this shore, staring at this sea. It is beautiful, independent, hypnotic, frightening. Sometimes I am distracted by a passing gull or what is probably not a mermaid on the horizon, but my attention inevitably returns to the sea.

For three years of dreams Iapos;ve been dragging my feet inch by inch into the sea. My ankles are submerged, then my knees. I think about turning back, but I never do. At the same time, the sea rises. A wave comes in, I feel a heady rush, the wave goes out, I am suddenly exposed, cold.

For three years of silence Iapos;ve been getting deeper and deeper, but only now, when it might be too late to save myself, do I realize I might be in danger. A new wave comes in, higher than any before it. I move my mouth to match it but I canapos;t say anything and suddenly I am submerged. The embrace is sweet, surprising, and brief. The void after the wave recedes has me coughing and pained. Through eyes full of salt I look down at the slick, bare sand and see empty shells, a stranded crab, a length of brown seaweed.

For three years of waiting, death has been coming. I can give myself to the sea but I donapos;t know if it will drown me or if I have been able to breathe in it all along. I can be completely engulfed in the sea forever, or I can turn back to dry land, safe but with the bitter taste of salt in my mouth.

And this is where I stand now, below the sea line at a depth where the next wave could take me away and end my life as I know it. One foot points back to land but I face forward, exposing my breast to the sky, the wind, and the sea.

-=-

I wish for providence, fortune, and resolve, but most of all I wish for her.
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The sunshine is a warm, gooey mashmallow on my back.
and the wind is baratone, and the leaves are soprano and the sky is pink and the grass is blue.

and itapos;s only one more step until iapos;m falling off of this cliff.



and my arms will be broken and my feet will disappear completely.
and iapos;ll grow wings.


baby wings that will be torn off from the gravity and physics and chipped fingernails and air and nothing.
but wings none the less.



and dammit, i want those wings.
even for just a few seconds before i hit the ground.
and splatter in to a million, million pieces that no one could ever put back together.



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Sometimes I feel like Iapos;m selling out.

When I was studying in China, I liked to separate myself from some of the other students. Many of my classmates were interested in Chinese language because of business and politics. They heard it would help get them into grad school or would look good on a resume. Iapos;m not like that. Sure, itapos;s great that Chinese language can help you find a job, but thatapos;s not why I started studying it, and thatapos;s not why I continue to study it. Studying language and studying culture are inseparable, and I like to study Chinese language because I like to study Chinese culture. Iapos;m different from the young businessmen and politicians because I want to experience Chinese culture for the pure joy of it, not for the money. Furthermore, I want to experience the less comfortable aspects of China: the strange food, awkward situations, and the crazy people.

My current situation, however, does not reflect these interests. Taiwan is very comfortable, almost too comfortable. As far as technology, medicine, food, and all the other luxuries of Western life are concerned, I may as well be in New York. The language barrier isnapos;t nearly as difficult to get around as in China, because so many people speak English. Despite my best efforts, I never get to use my Chinese as much as I would like. Also, Iapos;m making good money. I donapos;t think thereapos;s anything wrong with making money, but I have to ask myself, wouldnapos;t it be better to be making less money and living somewhere interesting, like Xinjiang or Sichuan?

Itapos;s taken me about a week to finish this entry, and Iapos;m glad Iapos;ve had the extra time to reflect. My life in Taiwan is different than I had expected, but Iapos;m OK with that. This year will not be the year I have countless adventures and open my eyes to new worlds; this year will be the year I make some money and experience big city life. Itapos;s like doing Teach for America, except I get to speak more Chinese and donapos;t have to go to scary inner city schools. Plus I can make some money for the next adventure, whether be it grad school, Xinjiang, Sichuan, or whatever else

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Itapos;s 50 outside, 65 in my house, I even have sleeves on But Iapos;m getting a bit warm while I drink tea. I worked out in the yard almost all day yesterday. Iapos;m even counting going to the grocery store (before the church people) what is it with church people they have to hog up the restaurants or the grocery stores on Sundays? heh. After lunch I went to Marvinapos;s Gardens, yup thatapos;s the guys real name, and they never got the Monopoly reference when I pointed it out to them, telling them how cute (when they first opened) if they used the same format from the game for the sign. Anyways. I bought manure, violas, and wave petunias (I kept calling them rave petunias, again no one gets me) some of the violas I got are purple black. I call them goth flowers, Iapos;ve decided not to put them in the ground but in pots so I can see them out my kitchen window. I cleaned out one vegetable bed and have it ready for planting, Iapos;m still killing ants in the other two. Sigh, I really hate this waging war with ants dammit. That and cats. I fucking hate cats that shit in my flower beds and I grab up a handful while cleaning them out. I clipped stuff that had gone wayward, watered a bit and figure out my neighbors dog is indeed a pit bull. Heapos;s chewed up two fence boards and dug under enough to almost fit his whole body there. Iapos;ve had enough. I asked IB to talk to the Mayor (theyapos;re best buds) and find out about turning him in while remaining anonymous - our city has a law about pit bulls, they have to be in pins. The dog is so aggressive, he puts his head under the fence and barks at me. It makes working in the yard more aggravating then therapeutic. Sometimes it looks like heapos;s going to put out his eye and it gets pretty red from all the digging he does at me when I walk by. Iapos;ve tried making friends. I rescued his balls for him and gave them back, I give him Bruapos;s treats, but none of it works, he still wants to kill me - or at least the part of the yard he can reach.

Iapos;m to be in a book. The author is interviewing people and takes a picture of them and a favorite object. Iapos;ve decided to go with my saddle. Having a horse was the biggest dream I had as a child and I promised myself it would be the first thing I would buy when I grew up. Ok so I was 35 by the time I grew up, but it was still a promise to myself fulfilled. I canapos;t decide if I want to do the riding boots and spurs as well, I was always sorry I never got a picture of me in riding gear. LOL I canapos;t get the boots on without pull up hooks or take them off without a heel wedge, I guess I could ask her to pull them off for me before she goes.

I have a massage appointment this morning, Iapos;m gonna need it after the yard work yesterday and today. I really need to get in better shape, this getting old nonsense has got to stop.
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Iapos;m unimportant.
I donapos;t matter.
None of this matters.
Everything anyone has ever said and done has been BS.

This is not okay at all.
And I wish I didnapos;t feel like this.� But I do.� Iapos;m so tired of being the one to call the shots, and it doesnapos;t better the situation.� Iapos;m so tired of feeling like everyone is trying so hard to prove themselves, and that no one can be themselves anymore.� Why is everything so forced??� Why do people do have to try so hard??� What makes people do things like this??� What ever happened to people being themselves??�

We all lost ourselves in the translation of explaining who we truly are.

<33

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It had been Scullyapos;s own insistence that she was fine, and her own change of heart that had put her into the driverapos;s seat of her car at two in the morning. Falling asleep hadnapos;t been impossible but avoiding what she saw behind her closed eyes and felt in the sense receptors of her mind was another matter entirely, and she was constantly struck with the realization that what she was feeling wasnapos;t real, that it was a psychological manipulation of past events she had experienced and -

- and that didnapos;t make her scream any less in pure, unadulterated terror every time.

She hadnapos;t bothered with socks, had only shoved her feet into the first pair of shoes she could find and wrapped herself in the fluffed comfort of her bathrobe before lifting her car keys and disappearing at a clipped pace down the walk. Pulling out in her car took half the time it should have and the drive to Mulderapos;s apartment building took a fraction of the time it normally would have. All regard for her own safety was placed somewhere in the back of her mind and Scully knew she should be angry with herself but now all she wanted was to get inside and shut the door on the darkness behind her. Every shadow seemed to be concealing a threat, and when hurried footsteps ran up behind her in the hallway Scully whipped her head around so quickly a sharp pain jolted through her neck.

Two minutes later she was knocking on Mulderapos;s apartment door.

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Stolen from Freshman-chan (known to the rest of you as CJ).� New book review up in the Den, BTW.

10 things you wish you could say to ten different people right now.
01. I wish you hadnapos;t torn me apart inside, but I hope youapos;re happy wherever you are, and Iapos;m glad you stood by me as long as you did.
02. I love you and want you to be happy, so stop holding back on my account.
03. I love you and want you to be happy, so stop feeling guilty over something thatapos;s my fault, not yours.
04. Please be honest with me - I love you and I�want to help.
05. Stop hitting on my boyfriend.
06. Stop hitting on my boyfriend.
07. Why canapos;t you accept that what I offer is my best?
08. I miss you, and I wish fate had been kinder to our friendship.
09. Why did you give in to despair?
10. Stop feeling inadequate - there is only so much one person can do, and you have gone far beyond what anyone expected.

09 things about yourself
01. I�have hereditary anemia.
02. I am both right brain and left brain, which means I love writing and art, but I am skilled at math and science.
03. I speak softly and with great thought, but I will beat your butt if you piss me off.
04. Iapos;m not afraid to risk everything to help the people I�love.
05. I love dragons - not because they are evil, but because they are misunderstood and I�can empathize.
06. I know what itapos;s like to love - really, truly love - two people at the same time.
07. I wish my classmates could accept me for who I�am.
08. Iapos;m just enough type A personality to hate clutter and disorder, but enough type B to accept it when it occurs and/or thereapos;s nothing I�can do to change it.
09. I sing whatever song comes into my head regardless of where I am at the time.

08 ways to win your heart
01. Love me for me.
02. Accept the fact that I have brains.
03. Accept my love affair with yarn and sticks.� Bonus points if you also knit.
04. Give me sincere compliments, not meaningless flattery.
05. Respect the dragon.
06. Donapos;t ask stupid questions (ie, saying "wow, did you make that?" while Iapos;m in the process of knitting).
07. Accept the fact that sometimes, I really just DONapos;T�WANT TO�TALK�ABOUT�IT.
08. Donapos;t be afraid to show me that sometimes, youapos;re not all-powerful and you need a shoulder to lean on.

07 things that cross your mind a lot
01. Heh, thatapos;s something CJ/Alex/Mike/other friend would say...
02. I wonder if I�could knit that / I wonder how they knit that...
03. Um, bullcrap flag
04. Please, please, please shut up before I lose self-control and smack you.
05. Why do 90 of the "attractive" people at this school have no brains?
06. If you didnapos;t want people to know, why did you post it on the Internet?
07. God, I�wish dragons were real.

06 things you do before you fall asleep
01. Check email.� Repeatedly.
02. Listen to music, most likely Celtic or LOTR soundtracks.
03. Take out contacts.
04. Shower.
05. Put out next dayapos;s outfit (most of the time).
06. Knit for roughly 30 minutes or until the melatonin kicks in.

05 people who mean a lot
01. Carly
02. Mike
03. Alex
04. Townsend
05. Patrice (plus my girlsapos; group, plus all the other people I donapos;t have room for in this post)

04 things youapos;re wearing right now
01. The silver necklace and mood ring Mike gave me. <3
02. The dragon ear cuff from RenFest.
03. School khaki pants.
04. My snuggly navy blue chenille sweater.

03 songs you listen to often (currently)
01. "Stand in the Rain", Superchic[k]
02. "Nemo", Nightwish
03. "Sakura Biyori"

02 things you want to do before you die
01. Visit Ireland.
02.�Touch someone in a lifechanging way.

01 confession
01. I suffer from Elric Syndrome�- the tendency to internally beat oneself up due to guilt.

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I am sitting here in my living room noticing again that there isnapos;t anything hanging on the walls...

I have a closet full of framed prints, mostly black and white Ansel Adams type, but I canapos;t bring myself to hang them. They seem too cheap, too first house, too cliche to hang in here. I think a few of them might be nice in the basement.

So I want some art. Real art, from real artists. But Iapos;m poor.

Wouldnapos;t it be cool to have a series of artistic photos of different places all over town that have significant meaning for our family or for each of us individually?

Like the place we got married, the hospital where the girls were born, the place Jay and I�met, etc. Maybe even a series of the different houses/condos/apartments we have lived in.

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Please Play Again

Chapter 10

My highschool sweetheart

���� So this is the tenth chapter I was in the tenth grade and surprisingly "have a highschool sweetheart" was tenth on my list of things to do before I died.� Just kidding about that last part, I just needed one more thing for the number 10 to sound weird and I only had two.� Anyways as you have probably guessed me and Alek were able to make it work for for more then two weeks.

���� Actually by the end of the two week point the both of us had completely forgotten about the whole two week deal in the first place.� We were already excited about the fact that in two more weeks we would have been going out for a whole month.� Alek had never had a girlfriend before, and I had never been in a relationship that had lasted more then ten days in my life... DAMN�IT that was my other ten FUCK�

���� Donapos;t you hate that when you realise something so long after the point that itapos;s no longer really relevant but you think about it anyways?� Kind of like ... I wish that my first kiss has been with Alek.� His first kiss was with me and it would have been so much sweeter if it was both of our first kiss.� I must have been thinking that way that day in February.

���� It was about a week or two after our six month anniversary and we were in the basement playing pool.� It was one of the first times I had been back in the basement since Aleks birthday, and since our first kiss down there.� I had it in my mind that I wanted to have something special with Alek.� That because I was his first for so many things that I wanted him to be my first for something.

���� I climbed up on the stool and reached up to turn out the light, but made sure that my top came up just a little bit as I reached.� I turned off the light and then walked around the pool table like�a cougar on the prowl.� I put myself in between Aleks hot warm body and the pool table and ran my hands over his hips as I started to suck and bit his top lip. Soon we were kissing uncontrollably.� Part of my brain was telling me to stop but my whole body screamed more more.

���� I had this hot tingling sensation within me that needed to be tended to... My body begged for only one thing, Alek� I pushed myself up onto the pool table and Alek said
"are you sure?"
I looked deep into his eyes in the darkness and then started to unzip his pants whispering while sucking his earlobe
"I want you so badly right now"

���� He was throbbing and I glistening wet, it was so obvious that our two bodies needed each others� There was quick pain and then a huge rush of blood and then there was silence as our bodies took over.� It was over almost as fast or faster then it had started.�
"Oh my god Alek can you believe that we arenapos;t virgins anymore?"
"I donapos;t know, I mean I liked it... But I feel pretty much the same as I did before"

���� The difference now was that we both had something so meaningful and important to one another, a gift given by choice that can never be taken back and can only be given once.� To me it was beautiful.�

���� And even now I have never regretted giving to Alek all of myself.
I wouldnapos;t have wanted anyone else to have it and never will.
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